Thursday, 3 May 2012

I am currently reading, "Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier" Wow.  If I could write a mere fraction like that, I would be happy.  I came across one line and it has really kept me thinking all night. 

"It seemed to me, as I sat there in bed, staring at the wall, at the sunlight coming in at the window, at Maxim's empty bed, that there was nothing quite so shaming, so degrading as a marriage that had failed. "

Applying this to my own failed marriage.  Firstly I did lay there many a night, all through the night, staring at the walls and going over things.  Seeing the light start to break into the darkness. Feeling the empty space next to me.

Has the failure of it left me feeling degraded and shamed?  In a round about way, yes I think, it has.  When I said my marriage vows I meant every word I said.  I got married for life, not for what turned out to be a pathetic four years. Yet they have been thrown back in my face without a second glance.  It all came so out of the blue.  A simple night out and three weeks later he left.  I still don't know the real reason why.  I only have my assumptions.  When questioned his response has always been, "you know why!" Well actually, no I don't. I don't suppose I ever will.

To meet new people and to have to explain the situation is hard.  I have obviously spent a lot of time over the past two years thinking over things, analysing events and situations.  What could or could not have been done differently.  I now know with 100% certainty that we should never have got married. Things sometimes get swept out of control and before we know it, we find ourselves in places that we shouldn't be.

Then I wonder is it the marriage ending that is shameful and degrading? or is his actions since? Possibly a combination of both. OK, I accepted the marriage was over a long time ago. The way he left.  The lies that have been told.  The facts that have been twisted. We have both moved on in our own ways.  So why the need to constantly stick the boot in.  Why not just sign the divorce papers?  Why not just agree to certain aspects without all the aggravation?  Why try to put obstacles in my path every step of the way?

One things for certain I cannot wait for this chapter in my life to be over. 

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